If I am Julia…

and I am reading this blog, I would probably say that my Nanay feels guilty often and she has loads of free time.

I felt guilt when I made mistakes during the first year because I had no previous experience taking care of another person aside from myself. I taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School but aside from that I was never in charge of anybody longer than what was necessary. Others may have the opportunity to babysit their brothers, sisters, nephews or nieces, but not I. My mother was a full time mom so I do not have to take care of my little brother. I don’t mind really, I was perfectly happy the way things are. The farther I am from responsibility the better. I hate looking after whiney, noisy, hyperactive kids and I’m scared of holding infants because they might break. When I had you, I was way over my head. I do not know what I would do. I was always comparing myself with others, like your Lola, who is a master. I did not take child rearing classes and was dependent on the experiences of others. I made a lot of mistakes and I know that this is not like art where you can cover things up. I was not a perfectionist and I am not OC so I do not know how to make it right the first time. To top all of these, I think my hormones are zigzagging up and down.

Now, I would like to let go of that feeling and enjoy. Besides, you are growing up wonderfully and I do love all these experiences. Not being perfect made me conscious of every moment of every day.

As for not being busy, it’s the contrary. I have a lot on my mind swirling about and making a big mess. But I know that if I let one memory slip, it will just pass by unremembered. Sometimes I have no proof, may it be a picture or a video, but when I read what we did; I can relive it repeatedly. I want to document the experience and my thoughts so you can see how you made our lives better. How you made an otherwise boring day something special.

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